Feeling Rough

Somehow I got to watching movies on youtube.com about people surprising their kids with trips to DisneyWorld. Most of the kids were so surprised they were overwhelmed with happiness. A couple of them were less than thrilled. Regardless, these people are going on vacation. They have managed it financially and are planning their getaways with anxious anticipation. They are excited.

I want to go on vacation! I’ve had some really nice vacations over the years. We’re still paying for them now and that is part of the reason our budget sucks. I just wish I was in a better position. I know that everyone has their struggles and that life isn’t what it seems for everyone. Maybe people are struggling with a child with special needs or an alcoholic family member. Maybe the people in the giant houses with the fancy cars live paycheck to paycheck just like us. Maybe.

Money makes me feel trapped, which is a feeling that I hate more than any other in the world. It wouldn’t be so bad except that lately I have to even watch my gasoline use, which leaves me at home most of the time. I feel so trapped and so … STUCK.

Time is passing me by and I am missing life. I don’t want to be stuck here in this house, in this town, in this state. I hate it. I want to go drive around and see new things! I want to feel freedom, feel like I am actually living instead of just getting through another day that I’ll never get back. Ugh.

Tired of Ekeing Along

Payday – both a great and depressing day. The money comes in, the money goes out. Every month is a balancing act – what gets paid when, how much do we still owe. You’d think it would be enough to get me to stop spending money on stuff we don’t need. I am way better about it than I used to be, but I still make plenty of mistakes.

I am just so ready to not have to worry so much about money. I want to finish school and get a job so that the budget isn’t such a burden. I want to just start over but that isn’t really an option. We would have so much extra money a month even without me working, if we weren’t trying so hard to pay off our creditors.

Someday I will have a nice house. Someday I’ll be able to buy something at the store that I want without guilt. Someday I’ll be able to travel to spend time with my family. Will someday EVER come?!

Just Want to Give Up

I give up.

I just suck at parenting. I try so hard but I think I’m screwing them up anyway. I wish I could walk away and be done with parenting. Men walk away from their families and kids all of the time. As long as they pay their child support and take care of the kids 2 weekends a month, they are deemed good fathers. But just once mention the possibility of a woman leaving her kids like that. All HELL breaks loose. Damned double standards.

So I’m stuck because I was born with ovaries instead of testicles. Ugh.

Such an Idiot!

Sometimes I swear I want to make myself throw up.

We’re having trees trimmed this week, something that hasn’t been done for 10 years so it’s sorely needed. I called and made the arrangements yesterday. I thought I made it clear that I wasn’t home before noon, and he told me that we would be the last job of the day anyway.

Well, apparently, “the last job of the day” means different things to different people. To me, that means he’ll be busy all day and will be by around 3 p.m. to trim our trees. To him, it means that he has 2 jobs today, someone else’s and ours. Which means that the “last job of the day” for him is like 10 a.m.

Had I known that, I would have made an effort to move the car out of our driveway before I left for the morning. I moved the car out of the driveway as soon as I got home at noon today, knowing he would be coming by.

So when he called today at 1 p.m. I was nonplussed thinking he was letting me know he was on his way. Not so. He was calling to let me know they had been out already with three trucks and a group of men and, since they weren’t able to do the job because of the car being in the way, they were going to charge me an additional $75 fee!

I said something really dumb (because I’m an idiot) and he fired me as a client right then and there. So not only did I cause this man anger by not moving the car (and wasting his business’s time and manpower) but I also offended him by making some idiot comment. Thank the Lord I had the sense to apologize over and over again and basically beg him to come out again and trim the trees sometime this week. I’ll just keep the cars moved until he’s been here.

You know what, though? I really HATE it when people have that kind of power over me, and now I’m on the verge of a panic attack knowing that I begged that man to do his job for me. I can’t stand it. I feel all hot and sweaty and my face feels hot and swollen and I want to cry and scream.

You know – I really don’t need this stress. I have SO much going on and things like this really throw me over the edge. It’s been 15 minutes since he called and I still feel like a piece of garbage for begging this man to let me spend $500 that I scraped up from nothing on his services. If the trees weren’t hanging over our roof and scraping our shingles and if they didn’t have huge dead branches that I’m afraid we’re going to lose in a thunderstorm then I would have told him to STUFF IT.

But I need the damn trees trimmed and he’s the best guy in the area to have it done. And now he is offended already by me and there is nothing I can say to take that feeling away.

At least he offered to come back this week, waive the extra trip fee, and call me the day before this time to let me know he is coming. I still swear it was just a misunderstanding and I have no idea WHY in the damn world I let my tongue get the best of me. I try so hard but I just fail and fail and fail.

Ugh.

Good Days and Bad Days

Like everyone else on the planet, I am having good days and bad days. We had a nice stretch of really good days and then yesterday was just awful. I wonder if people have in-between days? It seems like my days are all either fantastic or terrible. No gray area.

I am trying to do things to help get through the days and get stuff done. I bought a composition book to write in and have been trying to make lists to get things done. It’s a work in progress; some days it helps and I get a lot done and some days I get nothing done at all.

Flat Tire

Took the kids out to eat lunch today and when I got out of the car, I hear this loud hissing sound. I look all around and figure out that the sound is coming from the back tire. Upon closer inspection I can see a big screw sticking out of the tire and the air is hissing out.

Great. It’s a billion degrees outside and the parking lot is as black as it can possibly get. And the trunk is FULL of stuff. And I forgot my phone.

So I take the kids inside to eat, knowing that when we were done I would have to change the tire. No big deal – it’s not hard to change a tire at all. Just hot and dirty. It wasn’t bad at all and I was able to show the kids every step. They were interested in the process and even helped out. Only once did one of them mention that we should call a man to help us. HUGE EYEROLL.

The heat and the exertion and the Chinese food in my gut really made me feel sick when I was done. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and I was so hot. When we finally got back in the car (yes I can change a damn tire and I don’t need a man to come and ‘rescue’ me, good grief!) the air conditioning felt really nice.

I still have quite a headache but it’s nice to know that I can do these things on my own. I could have gotten hold of my husband and had him come help me, but I am very independent and that would have truly sucked.

I’m glad I can take care of myself!

Rough Day

It feels like I spend the majority of my life right now making plans for the kids. Special outings, fun meals, ways to keep busy and have fun. Especially in the summer. This morning, I was trying to decide if we should go to the zoo, a museum, the playground, or another activity when I caught my 10-year old daughter eating my husband’s candy in our bedroom.

You know, we are good providers. We don’t limit food and we let the kids have junk food and stuff. Candy has never been a sacred, coveted thing. But this particular daughter sneaks it every chance she gets. She ate everyone’s Easter candy, piece by piece. She gets up in the night and sneaks snacks out of the cabinets.

Today was just … too much. I screamed at her and told her that I hate her. And it felt good to finally say it out loud. I know – mother of the year. I feel like I have been to hell and back several times with this child. She is so good for everyone else but she treats me like a pile of shit.

Well, of course the guilt set in right away. You’re not supposed to hate your child. It’s taboo. And even if you do hate your kid, you’re certainly not supposed to tell her that! And I don’t hate her, really. She is a neat kid. But I hate a lot of the stuff that she does. And I don’t see myself hanging out with her much when she gets older and moves out on her own.

My whole day has felt really crappy. Guilt and depression don’t mix well. And I didn’t feel like taking them anywhere at all after that. So the others were slighted (yet again) by me not being able to control myself and my daughter not being able to control herself.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. I still have to get through the rest of this one and my husband isn’t even home from work yet. Not that it matters because he is going right back out, leaving me alone with these kids for another 5 or 6 hours. Bleh.